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EXT. L.A. COUNTY LOCK-UP - DAYA picture of the L.A. County Jail begins the sketch to set the scene.INT. GROUP HOLDING CELL - DAYTwo twin thugs, ERNIE and BERNIE are sitting on a bench in the holding cell. They are wearing matching black pants and white sleeveless T-shirts. They are bad asses and they look like your stereotypical jail types. They are talking amongst themselves when the jailor opens the cell door and pushes 3 new prisoners into the cell.GUARDGet in there you trash!The guard then slams the cell door, leaving the three new prisoners sitting on a bench across from the twins, nervous and unhappy. The twins are excited to have company.ERNIEAlright, fresh meat!BERNIELook at these homies, make yourselves comfortable, lets talk.Ernie points to Inmate 1, a young man who is clearly shaken and nervousERNIEWhoa, whoa, relax, what are you so nervous about?INMATE 1Please don’t hurt me.BERNIEWe’re not gonna hurt you kid, we’re all in this together. Me, I’m Bernie, this is my brother Ernie. What did a nice kid like you do to get in here anyway?INMATE 1Jaywalking.Bernie jumps out of his seat and attempts to attack inmate 1.BERNIEI’m gonna kill him!!Inmate 1 recoils in terror as Ernie holds Bernie back.INMATE 1What did I do?!?ERNIE(SCREAMING)Do you know how dangerous jaywalking is? I ought to beat you right here, right now!INMATE 1Well what did you guys do?BERNIEWe killed our parents.ERNIEWhile they were at peaceful sleep, we murdered them both. Inmate 1 is shocked.INMATE 1What?! That's a million times worse that what I did!Bernie raises his fist.BERNIEDon’t try to turn this around on us, you’re the real criminal here!INMATE 1How?ERNIE(Yelling)You interrupted the flow of traffic doing what you did! If traffic stops then stores don’t get their product, consumers don’t buy things, the economy comes to a stand still you crazy fucking bastard!BERNIEAll you have to do is press the little yellow button, the whole transportation depends on that button you rotten little bastard!INMATE 1Well I didn’t know!ERNIEYou’re god damned right you didn’t, I should slit your throat!Bernie tries to relax Ernie, patting him on the shoulder.BERNIEOk, Ernie, just relax, put him out of your mind.Inmate 2 is freaked out at this point because of the twins displays of anger. The twins direct their attention towards him.ERNIEOk buddy, what are you in for? Let me just re-iterate that me and my brother murdered our parents.BERNIEI held their legs while Ernie sawed off their heads with a dull hack saw.INMATE 1OH GOD!Bernie yells at Inmate 1.BERNIESHUT UP!!Both twins relax again.BERNIE (CONT’D)Ok son, what did they get you on?INMATE 2(nervously)Well, I uh, I kinda cut the tag off of my mattress.Bernie erupts in anger! He looks around him.BERNIEWhere the hell is my shiv! I’m gonna kill this mother fucker!INMATE 2What? You guys killed both of your parents in their sleep!ERNIEMurder is one thing, but when it says right there on the tag ‘Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law’, then you know you’re doing something wrong you fucking psycho!BERNIEThat tag has your mattress’ cotton percentage on it! You rotten shit! Without it you’ll never know how to wash it properly, then suddenly your sheets don’t fit, they’re too small! Your girlfriend gets cold at night, she’s uncomfortable, she leaves you, then you’re alone wondering what to do next! You’re worse than pond scum!INMATE 2It still doesn't compare to...BERNIESHUT UP!Ernie starts to cry on Bernie’s shoulderERNIEI don’t understand these people, they’re so awful!Bernie rubs his hand on Ernie's back, trying to comfort him.BERNIEI know little brother, I know.ERNIE(Suddenly normal again)Alright, one last scumbag left. I don’t know how you can be more sick then these two, but what brings you to county?BERNIEAnd just so we’re all clear, remember that me and my brother sawed our parents heads off with a dull, rusty hacksaw.ERNIEThen we used a shovel to crack their heads open so we could see their brains.INMATE 3I’m scared, I don’t wanna!ERNIEIt’s ok son, tell us your story.INMATE 3Ok, I kind of burned down a children's hospital.BERNIE(Calm)Were there kids inside?INMATE 3Every room was full.BERNIEI see, continue.Inmate 3 begins to get emotional.INMATE 3Well I burned the whole place down to the ground, the kids were screaming so loudly. Then I kind of burned down an orphanage on my way home. After telling his tale, Inmate 3 quickly puts his hands in front of his face in defense of what he know is coming. The twins just stare at the inmate for a moment in disbelief. Then they speak.BERNIEWell that doesn't seem so bad.ERNIENo, you’re just a lost soul, you make a mistake and all is forgiven. Bernie puts his arms out.BERNIECome give us a hug!INMATE 3Uh, ok.Inmate 3 goes to the twins and they all share in a friendly group hug. They pat his head and his back.ERNIEIt’s ok son.BERNIEYou’ll be just fine.INMATE 3I love you guys.ERNIEWe love you too.Suddenly the guard opens the gate and throws a new inmate into the cell.GUARDMaybe a night in jail will teach you never to loiter again!The group goes crazy, screaming and throwing things at the new inmate.The End.
Dumped Ad Executive is a sketch about a guy who just got dumped by his girlfriend. His anger carries over into his ads.
Sketch comedy is a great love of mine. Improv and comedy writing is what I like the most. Below are some of my select sketches. If you would like to see more email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
TRANSFORMERS VS VAMPIRES MOVIE TRAILERThe standard green screen appears with the words: “This Film is Rated VT for Vampire and Transformer Nudity”. The preview starts with the standard deep, booming voice-over.NARRATOR (V.O.)In a world where vampires fun free...A vampire skips very gayly through a forest.VAMPIRE(very gay voice)I’m running free!NARRATOR (V.O.)...their lives are turned upside down when a dark force invades...Megatron the Transformer stomps though the forest, smashing trees as he walks. Bumble Bee and Star Scream, fellow Transformers, follow behind him.NARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)...and just when all seemed lost...A vampire flies up and tries to sink his fangs into Megatron’s neck, when he does he breaks both teeth and falls back to the ground.VAMPIRE(very gay voice)Owie!MEGATRONYou vampires must fight...or die!VAMPIRE(very gay voice)We’re not fighting vampires, we’re lover vampires!NARRATOR (V.O.)...the vampires fought back!The lead vampire is cheering on his fellow vamps.VAMPIREWe don’t have to take this! Let’s suck those hard throbbing robots dry!Star Screen whispers in Megatrons ear.STAR SCREENHey boss, I think these vampires are, you know, Adam and Steve.MEGATRONWhat do you mean?STAR SCREENHomosexuals sir.MEGATRON(scared)May God help us.NARRATOR (V.O.)In the most anticipated movie of the year, two film icons will go head to head...Bumble Bee is in car form, chained to a tree.BUMBLE BEEWhat have you done?Zoom out to see a vampire who has just painted the car hot pink.VAMPIRE(very gay voice)How gorgeous!!NARRATOR (V.O.)...there will be action!Star Screen is running away from one of the vampires.STAR SCREENGet the hell away from me!VAMPIRE(very gay voice)Stop! I just want to frost your tips, you would look so hot!NARRATOR (V.O.)Romance!Megatron picks Bella (from the Twilight movies) up from the ground.MEGATRONI’m going to make sweet love to you.BELLAEw! How?!With that, Megatron transforms into a large penis.BELLA (CONT’D)(impressed)Oooo, now I know why they call you MEGA-tron!NARRATOR (V.O.)...And Gay Vampires!One vampire whispers to another as they look at Bumble Bee in car form.VAMPIREI’d love to thrust his stick shift, if you know what I mean.Both vampires laugh as Bumble Bee slowly backs away, frightened.Big dramatic music starts.NARRATOR (V.O.)This Christmas, don’t miss...INSERT: Transformers VS VampiresNARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)Transformers Vs. Vampires!After the title shows we go to a final scene. Harry Potter is waving his want and taunting a transformer.HARRY POTTERI’m Harry Potter and I’ve got a spell that will teach you bad guys quite a lesson!A big metal transformer foot comes down and smashes Harry.INSERT: December 25.THE END
Minor Crimes Prison is the short tale of a man arrested with something minor being accosted by the other inmates.
INT. JEOPARDY SET – DAYThe jeopardy music and graphics appear.ANNOUNCERThis is Jeopardy!The camera moves to the contestants as the announcer introduces them.ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)Here are today's contestants. Aweb designer and tie collector fromSan Francisco, California. NedWashington.NED WASHINGTON is a clean cut guy in his 30’s who clearly has his act together.ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)An insurance agent and pop culturewiz from Des Plaines, Illinois.Matthew Pinsky.MATTHEW PINSKY is a short 20ish man with glasses and a buzcut.ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)And our returning champion, fromthe year 1272. A dragon hunter andslayer who just returned from thecrusades of the middle east, DragonMaster Dan, whose two month cashwinnings total 558,000 dollars.DRAGON MASTER DAN is an intimidating character. His wardrobe consists of a suit of armor and of course he has large wings that protrude from his back. He has haunting eyes and a disturbing high pitch voice. It is clear that he has come out of history and he is a much feared dragon slayer.ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)And now, here is the host ofjeopardy, Alex Trebek!ALEX TREBEK comes out from back stage and goes to his podium. He is the famous host of Jeopardy, he comes out with trademark suit and smile.ALEXThank you Johnny, welcome everyone.This has been quite an excitingcouple of months on our program.Our remaining champion, DragonMaster Dan has literally murderedthe competition. Let’s see whowill live today.Alex is very nonchalant at the fact that there is a 13th century dragon slayer playing on his game show.Alex directs the contestants attention to the board. The camera moves from category to category as he explains them.ALEX (CONT’D)First round, here are thecategories: Ancient Times,Tableware Reimagined, Tony WinningPlays, Let’s All Go To The Lobby,We’ll go to ‘The Movies’ andfinally Potent Potables.Camera to the contestants.ALEX (CONT’D)Dragon Master, as our returningchampion, you choose the firstcategory.DRAGON MASTER DANI’ll take ancient times for 200Alex.ALEXThe answer is: 8,500 years ago, theZebu or Brahman type of this animalwas domesticated in Asia.Dragon Master Dan buzzes in.DRAGON MASTER DANWhat is the flying red tailedarmadillo Alex.Dan opens his mouth to select the next category, assuming his answer was correct.ALEXNo.Dan is stunned that he got the answer wrong, he has a stunned face. Ned Washington buzzes in.ALEX (CONT’D)Ned.NEDWhat are cattle.ALEXCorrect, Ned you are now in controlof the board.Dragon Master Dan grows more irritated.NEDI’ll take ‘The Movies’ for $400.ALEXThis 2009 Quentin Tarantino filmwas set during world war 2.Dragon Master Dan buzzes in first.ALEX (CONT’D)Dragon master?DRAGON MASTER DANWhat are the movies?ALEXI’m sorry Dragon Master, but wewere looking for the title.DRAGON MASTER DANNo, I mean, what are the movies?I’ve never heard of them.Ned buzzes in.NEDWhat is Inglorious Basterds.ALEXRight again Ned, you’re on a roll.Pick again.NEDOk, I’ll take ‘The Movies’ for$1000.ALEXThe answer, this famous pet was thestar in the 2010 film “Marmaduke”.Dragon Master Dan buzzes in.DRAGON MASTER DANWhat is the Flying red-tailedArmadilloALEXSorry, no.Dan is completely shocked that he got that answer wrong.ALEX (CONT’D)That is not nor will it ever be anactual living animal.DRAGON MASTER DANWhat? I rode what to the studiotoday!Ned chimes in.NEDWhat is the ‘dog’.ALEXRight again!Dragon Master Dan has had quite enough of his competition getting the best of him. He throws down his controller in headed frustration.DRAGON MASTER DANCome on, this isn’t fair! He’susing some kind of brain voodoo onme and I don’t like it!Ned takes the defensive, while being quite arrogant.NEDHey, its not my fault that I knowmore trivia than you, maybe if youweren’t born 800 years ago youmight do better!DRAGON MASTER DANOh Yeah, we’ll maybe I broughtsomething back with me! Raarrrrr!!Brain Crusher, Come to daddy!A thunderous ROAR! Erupts from off screen. Ned looks off at the source.NED(scared shitless)Oh my God! Is that an actualdragon! It’s impossible!DRAGON MASTER DANMighty dragon, attack this measlysmarty pants!NED (O.S.)No! Noooo!!!Another roar is heard followed by a loud dragon chewingsound.NED (O.S.) (CONT’D)Please don’t eat me! Oh God, Itseating me! Its definitely eatingme!Dragon master Dan laughs and claps as he looks off screen at his dragon eating his competitor.NED (O.S.) (CONT’D)Oh Jesus! It chewed my legs off,and now its going for my head!More roaring and loud chewing sounds as Ned is being eaten bythe dragon. A bucket full of blood appears on screen. Onelast scream from Ned and one last roar from the dragon thensilence.ALEX(nonchalant)I wish I could say that I didn’tsee this coming.DRAGON MASTER DANJust another reason why no oneshould mess with Dragon Master Dan!ALEXWell, while we clean up this bloodymess, we will take a quickcommercial break. We will return,after this.A commercial break.The show returns with Alex standing next to the second contestant, MATTHEW PINSKY’s podium.ALEX (CONT’D)Welcome back to Jeopardy, we areleft with two contestants, let’smeet them. Matthew Pinsky, it sayshere that you are the bestinsurance agent in your district.Matthew is clearly nervousMATTHEWThat’s right Alex, I coulddefinitely get my deceased friendNed’s family a really great funeralinsurance.The audience EXPLODES in laughter.ALEXVery funny, Mr. Pinsky.Matthew bursts into tears.MATTHEWI’m so scarred, can I please leave?Alex laughs, the audience follows him, again exploding into laughter.ALEXJust wonderful, nice to have you inthe game.Alex moves to Dragon Master Dan’s podium, we don’t see dragonmaster yet, just Alex as he introducing him.ALEX (CONT’D)Dragon Master Dan, you are acelebrated dragon tracker andhunter and you are currently eatingthe loose flesh off of a humanskull.The camera moves to DMD, who is actually slurping and chewing skin off of a human skull, skull mouth gaping. DMD throws the skull off to the side.DRAGON MASTER DANThat’s right Alex, I am what theexperts would call a “cannibal”.ALEXThat is just wonderful. Well gang,unfortunately, the cleaning of Nedscarcass and intestines has taken upmost of our time, so we move on tofinal jeopardy.The final jeopardy category appears on the blue screen.ALEX (CONT’D)The final jeopardy category is:These United States. The answeris: This breezy state has thecoldest winter. 30 secondsplayers, good luck.The Jeopardy music plays and the regular camera shots are used as we see the players writing their responses. The camera passes by Matthew who is writing feverishly while wiping sweat off his brow. The camera then moves to Dragon Master Dan who is stroking the head of his dragon, while pretending to feed it carrots and rubbing his nose with the dragons nose in an Eskimo kiss’.The music comes to an end.ALEX (CONT’D)Matthew, we come to you first,let’s see what you wroteMatthews answer comes up on his board.ALEX (CONT’D)You answered: Please let me leave,I'll give you anything. And youwagered: your family. I’m sorry,that is incorrect, that brings youdown to -$2000.Matthew just weeps, constantly glancing at the dragon to his left. Alex moves down to DMD’s podium.ALEX (CONT’D)Let’s’ see what you answered.DMD’s answer comes up on the board, it is a blank screen.ALEX (CONT’D)You responded with nothing. Andyour wager?The bottom screen appears and there is a slight squiggly line and the reflection of DMD’s pen.ALEX (CONT’D)It appears you dropped your pen onthe board, no points are awarded.ALEX (CONT’D)Well, Dragon Master Dan, with yourzero points but the mind control ofall flesh eating dragons, thatmakes you today's winner. Bringingyour winning total to 600,000dollars and our still Jeopardychampion! Enjoy the weekend, we’llsee you back here on Monday.DRAGON MASTER DANYes!! I am the champion onceagain, no mortal can defeat me!Roar, Roar!Alex raises waves to the audience.ALEXSo long everybody, till then.The Jeopardy music starts and the end credits roll as Alexwalks over to the two remaining contestants, Matthew andDragon Master Dan. While Alex is talking to them and Matthewis clearly freaked out.Alex shakes Matthews hand and the dragon head that DMD isstill petting freaks out and attacks Matthew behind hispodium. Blood spurts up from behind the podium.During this whole spectacle, the music and credits finishrolling while Dragon Master Dan makes small talk and shakeshands with Alex, they are both laughing.The CBS Television Distribution logo appears, then the SonyTelevision logo with the Jeopardy theme music playing behindthe logos.THE END
A medieval dragon master tears through the competition to be the undisputed Jeopardy champion!
This is just the beginning of the many sketches I've written. If you would like to read more, email me at email@example.com
All material on justinzipprich.com is copyrighted by Justin Zipprich. Not to be used without permission.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAYMIKE, a young ad-executive walks into the office, looking sad and defeated.His BOSS, an older man walks up to him.BOSSHey Mike, why the long face?MIKEIt’s just terrible boss, my wife Kelly left me last night. She wants a divorce.BOSSWhy? What happened?MIKEI don’t know, but she’s gone. I’ve been up all night crying and downing vodka.BOSSWell try not to let it affect your work. Don’t forget, you have a cereal ad due on my desk by noon.MIKEI’ll do my best.Later on, Mike shows up in his boss’s office, he puts his work down on the desk.MIKE (CONT’D)I finished the cereal spot, I don’t know how good it is.BOSSI’m sure its fine, I don’t have time to review it, we have to send it straight to the television stations.SWITCH TO COMMERCIALINT. BREAKFAST TABLE - MORNINGThe commercial starts with kids running to the breakfast table as their mom pours them each a bowl of cereal.A deep male voice-over is heard over the action.VOICE-OVERHoney Dew Cereal has the perfect blend of healthy oats mixed with honey that the whole family can enjoy.(show product and words)Honey Dew Cereal, fuck you Kelly!END OF COMMERCIALINT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAYMike is back in his bosses office. His phone is ringing off the hook as the boss yells at him.BOSSJesus Mike, that commercial was shown all over the nation! My phone’s been ringing off the hook with complaints!MIKESorry, I’m just taking the breakup badly.BOSSI can understand what you’re going through but the work is piling up. I need you to do this ad for Midwestern Bank. And Mike, try to keep the commercial a little nicer.SWITCH TO COMMERCIALINT. BANK - DAYTwo gentlemen are sitting across from each other at a desk, they talk and then shake hands. Again the deep voice-over is heard over the action.VOICE-OVERAt Midwestern Bank, we strive at building client relationships that will last a lifetime.(show product and words)Midwestern Bank, Kelly I’m so sorry that I hurt you! I swear I didn’t know it was your sister I was having sex with. Please forgive me!END OF COMMERCIALINT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAYMike is in his boss’s office once again and the boss is furious! There’s even more phones on his desk and they’re all ringing.BOSSMike! That spot went world wide! I’m getting calls from foreign presidents! I told you to keep it nice!MIKEI did, I apologized to Kelly for my wrong doings.BOSSAgain, I’m sorry about your life right now but I have another assignment for you, it’s for Nocturn, a night time sleep aid. This is really important and I want no mention of Kelly, I don’t even want to hear her name!MIKEYes sir, will do!SWITCH TO COMMERCIALINT. BEDROOM - NIGHTA young woman is tossing and turning in her bed. A deep voice-over describes the action.VOICE-OVERTossing and turning all night? Take one dose of Nocturn before bed and get the rest you deserve.(show product and words)Nocturn, I’m not naming any names here but a certain ex-wife with flabby arms and a birth mark on her left thigh, you know who I’m talking about. I want you to know that you were a terrible lover and all those orgasms I had, I faked them all!END OF COMMERCIALINT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAYMike is again in the bosses office, more phones ring, the boss with a phone to each ear.BOSSThat spot played during the super bowl! Damn it Mike! Well the bad news is that I have to fire your ass. The good news is that there’s a new company that wants to hire you as their spokesman . They’ll pay you five million a year. I think it will be right up your alley. Now get the hell out of my office!SWITCH TO COMMERCIALINT. SET - DAYBlack screen, voice-over, threatening music.VOICE-OVERDo you have an ex-wife or girlfriend that’s bringing you down? Want to get her out of the picture? Then call ‘Ex-Assassins’! We’ll take care of everything!Mike stands in a small room with a big smile on his face, his arm around a super model in a bikini. Mike gives a thumbs up.MIKEEx-Assassins, I fully endorse it!Behind him a closet door opens and a woman’s dead body tumbles out, its clearly is dead ex-wife Kelly.Mike uses his foot to push her back in the door as he continues smiling nervously.THE END.
XY-Men!by Justin ZipprichThe cartoon begins with the INTRO START to the super heroes.A van is driving down the road, inside is a group of guys in camping outfits.NarratorFour friends were on their way to a camping trip when suddenly…Lightning strikes the van, striking the guys inside, changing them into their super hero outfits.Narrator…Their midsize van was struck by lightning, leaving the four men with mild super powers!Lightning strikes on the screen, introducing the first hero.NarratorSuper Sarcastic! With the power to say everything sarcastically!In a bright green latex outfit, he throws his fist in the air in triumph.Super Sarcastic (sarcastically)Oh yeah, this is going to be a really great adventure!Lightning strikes to introduce the 2nd hero.NarratorMr. French, able to channel the thoughts of character actor French Stewart!With a bright yellow outfit featuring the face of French Stewart on his chest. He even looks a little like French Stewart with squinty eyes. He has his fingers to his head as he gets a transmission from Mr. Stewart.Mr. French3rd Rock from the Sun was robbed of the Emmy!Lightning strike to introduce 3rd hero.NarratorScaredy Kat, with incredible powers and one minor flaw!Scaredy Kat stands in a black outfit with a cape and big cat ears on his head.Scaredy KatI can fly, I have super strength and I can travel back in time!He throws a fist in the air triumphantly. Suddenly he sees a very small spider. He freaks out and dives behind his chair.Scaredy KatOh no, it’s a spider! Help!Lightning strike to introduce our final hero.NarratorAnd their fearless leader, Utility Belt!Utility Belt stands in a white outfit with a plain black belt around his waist. He points directly at the camera.Utility BeltYou have an important meeting to get to, it’s my belt and your face!The name of the show “XY-MEN” appears on the screen as the narrator finishes.NarratorTogether they form an unstoppable team, no it’s not the X-Men, it’s the XY-Men!END OF INTRO. Note: This intro shouldn’t be longer than 30 seconds and it could be used in every episode if we made more.SUPER: The Bank RobberyNarratorTonight’s episode: The Bank Robbery!Zoom in to see a small storage unit.Inside the storage unit, 3 of the heroes sit on folding chairs as Utility Belt stands behind a podium, leading the meeting.Utility BeltOk super friends, first order of business, our electric bill was much too high this month, how do we cut costs?Mr. French points to Scaredy Kat.Mr. FrenchWe could probably slash a few bucks if Scaredy Kat didn’t use that stupid night light while he sleeps.Scaredy KatShut up, the dark is scary!Super Sarcastic (sarcastically)Get over it, don’t you have night vision? You could so see an attacker in pitch black!Scaredy KatIf I do I might tear a contact lens and ordering online is just too frightful!Mr. FrenchHey, how do we get an electric bill in a storage unit anyway?Suddenly Mr. French has a mini seizure.Mr. French (cont.)Wait, I’m getting something…cut down energy costs by showering with John Lithgow, that way you’ll use much less light when you shower at night.Utility BeltWe don’t need French Stewarts input on this…There is a knock on the door.Utility Belt…Excellent, our guest of honor has arrived, come in.A young boy enters the unit, a nerdy kid with braces, suspenders, his pants almost up to his armpits. He waves to the group.Utility BeltI’d like to introduce you guys to ‘Glass Man’, he’s interested in joining our team. Go ahead Glass Man, introduce yourself.Glass ManWell, I was once just your normal chemistry fan, chess champion and occasional peeping tom until last week when I got struck by lightning and got my super power, it’s both a blessing and a curse.Scaredy KatWell, what’s your power?Glass Man makes a very dramatic hand gesture.Glass ManI can see directly through glass!Scaredy KatAren’t you afraid of hurting yourself!?Super Sarcastic (sarcastically)Great, that’s really impressive.Glass ManHey, no need to be mean about it.Mr. FrenchActually, he really meant that, he just talks like that.A large phone on Utility Belts podium rings, he answers it.Utility Belt (on phone)Hello commissioner? Bank robbery, at the old bank? We’re on the way.He hangs up the phone.Utility BeltLet’s go men, we’ve got a bank robbery downtown, Glass Man, this is your chance, let’s go!Lightning strike as the heroes’ midsize van pulls up to the bank. They all squeeze out.Utility BeltThe robbers are in the bank, if only we could only see what they’re doing!Super Sarcastic (sarcastically)Here’s an idea, why don’t we look through that glass window and find out?The heroes all look to Glass Man.Utility BeltGlass Man, this is your chance, let’s see what you’ve got.Glass ManI won’t let you down!Glass Man goes up to the large window and looks through it into the bank as he describes the action to his team.Glass ManMy powers, they’re working, I can see through the glass! The robbers, they’re packing unmarked bills into their bags!The rest of the heroes are all impressed with Glass’s ability.Utility BeltGood job son!Scaredy KatThat was incredible! Even with that terrifying glare!Mr. French goes up to Glass man and pats him on the shoulder.Mr. FrenchIt looks like I underestimated you my friend, you are a true hero.There’s no more time for praise, the bank robbers appear on the roof, pointing guns down at the heroes.RobberAh Ha! The XY-Men, we knew you’d show, you’ll never get in this bank!Mr. FrenchWhat do we do?Super Sarcastic (sarcastically)Sorry to inject some common sense into this conversation, but it doesn’t take an idiot to know that we should just walk in the front door.RobberHe’s just being sarcastic men! They’ll probably try getting in the rear door, everyone guard the back!As the robbers scramble to the back of the bank, our heroes are actually able to walk right in the front door.When they get inside they see the money.Scaredy KatLet’s get the money before they can steal it!Before they can do anything, the robbers rush into the room, all equipped with nun chucks. Our heroes are surrounded and they’re about to get beat!Glass ManWhat do we do now? Scaredy Kat, don’t you have super strength and super speed? You could beat all these guys up in two seconds!Scaredy KatAnd risk carpel tunnel?! No way, I’ll never be able to type on a keyboard again! This is too much, I’ll be hiding in the bathroom if you need me!Scaredy Kat runs away.Glass Man turns to Utility Belt.Glass ManWhat about you Utility Belt? You must have a million lifesaving gadgets on that thing.Utility BeltThis thing is pointless, but it can give you a welt you won’t soon forget!With that he pulls his belt out of the loops of his pants and starts hitting one of the robbers. The robber runs and Utility Belt chases after him, slapping him with his belt and laughing giddily. They run out the door.The rest of the robbers get in closer to the remaining heroes, ready to kill our super friends.RobberYou stupid heroes are going to die!Glass ManNow what do we do? Mr. French?Mr. French again has a small seizure.Mr. FrenchWait…I’m getting something…Mr. Stewart says…Oscar the Grouch and Jerry Seinfeld kidnapped my family.Glass ManWhat does that mean?Super Sarcastic (sarcastically)Who knows! Just shoot them with that machine gun you have in your pocket, duh!Mr. French pulls a big gun out of his pocket.Mr. FrenchOh, I forgot about that.With that said, Mr. French shoots all of the robbers dead. Scaredy Kat comes back from the bathroom.Scaredy KatThat bathroom was scary, hey, you defeated them!Utility Belt comes back, looping the belt back through his pants.Utility BeltGreat job team!The heroes all jump in the air and share a 5-way high five and shout:EveryoneXY-MEN!!!!Lightning Flash ends the episode.NarratorDon’t miss next week’s exciting episode.All five heroes stand around an elephant which is lying on its side. A female zoologist is trapped underneath the beast.WomanPlease help me! Pull me out of I’ll die. This thing weighs a ton! Literally!Super Sarcastic (sarcastically)Oh yeah, we better get her out real soon.Utility BeltScaredy Kat, you’re the strongest man in the world, just lift the elephant off of her!Scaredy KatYeah right, that elephant could poop at any time. Yucky!!Big Graphic SHOOTS on to the screen ending the cartoon. “The XY-MEN!”
XY-Men is a comic about a gang of superheros with less than super powers.
Just the old story of a 6 foot Praying Mantis meeting a friend.
That's Bad Luckby Justin ZipprichINT. RESTURANT - DAYTwo friends, JACK and LUCAS are having breakfast in their local resturant.JACKI’m telling you, the eggs here are the best in town.LUCASI bet they are, but you know that I’m a pancake man.JACKSuit yourself. Hey, would you mind passing the salt?LUCASNot at all.Lucas picks up the salt. As he is passing it over to Josh, he drops the shaker and salt pours over the table.JACKDamn it Lucas, look at what you’ve done!LUCASWhat? I dropped some salt, no problem. I’ll just tell the waitress.JACKAre you insane? You can’t just drop salt, that’s bad luck!LUCASOh come on, that’s just superstition.Just then Lucas’s cell phone rings. He answers it.LUCAS (CONT’D)(on phone)Hello? Oh hi Sarah, I’m just having breakfast with...what’s that? Tonight? I’d love to, see you there.Lucas hangs up.JACKWho was that?LUCASCraziest thing. You know that blond chick in our apartment building?JACKYou mean the one with the huge boobs who just inherited one million dollars?LUCASYeah, that one. She says she wants to go out with me tonight and she says that sex is guaranteed.JACKReally? I didn’t know that you had ever spoken to her.LUCASNever did, never had the guts. I don’t even know how she got my number.JACKWell that was coincidental.LUCASPretty crazy. Ready to go?EXT. CITY PARK - DAYThe two friends are walking through a nice park full of parents and children.JACKSo I told Sue in accounting, there’s absolutely no rule that I have to wear pants at work.LUCASThat-a-boy, you told her. Hey, look at that!Lucas spots a black cat laying on a park bench. He walks towards it.JACK(freaks out)Lucas don’t!His friend goes to the cat, picks it up and pets its belly.JACK (CONT’D)Are you out of your damn mind? Even seeing a black cat is bad luck and now you’re picking it up!LUCASDidn’t I tell you to knock it off with that superstitious crap?Just then, BILL GATES, in an expensive suit excitedly walks up to Lucas. Lucas recognizes him.LUCAS (CONT’D)Hey, aren’t you Bill Gates?BILL GATESI am. I’m in town for business and I always bring my kitty along for company. I thought I’d lost him for good but you found him! How can I ever repay you?LUCASNo need, he was just sitting on the bench.BILL GATESDon’t be modest. I could use somebody like you around the office, kind with good observational skills. How would you like to be my new head of operations at Microsoft? It’s an easy job, no stress and I’ll pay you five million dollars a year.LUCASI’ll take it.BILL GATESExcellent, here’s my card. I’ll see you Monday morning.With that, Bill Gates walks away with his cat.JACKMy God, this must be the luckiest day of your life! How do you do it?LUCASI don’t know, must be on a roll or something. Hey, you want to stop in that mirror store?INT. MIRROR STORE - DAYThe friends walk into a large store filled with mirrors of all shapes and sizes. Lucas looks as Jack talks.JACKThen my manager comes up to me and says: put some pants on, you’re fired and the police are on their way.LUCASYeah, you tell ‘em. What do you think of this mirror? Nice huh?While he is admiring the mirror, it slips out of his hands, shattering when it hits the ground.LUCAS (CONT’D)Oops.JACKOh no! Not only are you going to have to pay for that but it’s seven years back luck. Now you’re really in trouble.LUCASRelax.Just then, an older SCIENTIST in a lab coat runs up to them. He talks excitedly to Lucas.SCIENTISTMy dear boy! You’ve done a wonderful thing!JACK(head in hands)This is getting ridiculous.The scientist continues talking to Lucas.SCIENTISTI was having such a hard time picking between these two mirrors. I was going insane trying to figure out which to buy. You’ve made the decision one hundred times easier. How can I ever repay you?LUCASWell it was just an accident.SCIENTISTNonsense! I’ve spent my life working on an immortality serum, in fact I just finished it this morning. I only have this one dose, fit for just one person. Please take it!LUCASWell I couldn’t.SCIENTISTPlease, I insist!The scientist hands Lucas the vile, takes his mirror and happily skips to the checkout line.LUCASWhat a day!At this point, Jack is boiling mad, he has truly had enough of this nonsense.JACKWhat the hell is going on around here? You’ve done nothing but get yourself into bad luck situations and now you’re an immortal with a sweet job and a hot girlfriend!Jack storms outside, Lucas follows.EXT. CITY PARK - DAYLUCASWhere are you going?JACKI need to try something.Lucas follows Jack over to a construction area where a working crew is hanging Christmas lights on a ladder.LUCASJack, calm down.JACKNo! All our lives you’ve gotten everything and I’ve gotten nothing! See that ladder over there? I’m going to walk underneath it and when I come out the other side then I’m going to be as lucky as you. Here I go!Jack walks sternly up to the ladder and bows down to walk under it. As soon as he comes out from the other side, a semi-truck smashes into him. Blood and guts splatter everywhere.Lucas is stunned but quickly regains his composure.LUCASPoor guy.He then notices something laying on the ground. LUCAS (CONT’D)Oh, a hundred dollar bill.He picks it up and continues on his way.THE END
That's Bad Luck: the tale of two buddies.
EXT. PARK BENCH - DAYA MAN arrives at a bus stop and takes a seat on the bench. The man is clearly down on his luck: disheveled clothes, unkempt and long beard.He is sitting content until an unseen entity, soon to be revealed as a six foot tall Praying Mantis.PRAYING MANTISYou mind if I have a seat?Without looking up, the man responds.MANIt’s a free country, what do I care if--The man looks up at the source of the voice and is startled to see the human sized Mantis looking down at him while rubbing his bizarre arms together.The man is totally freaked out. He jumps off the bench, pulls out a can of raid and holds it up in the defensive position, ready to spray the monstrosity.The mantis freaks out as well.PRAYING MANTISNo, wait! Don’t spray me with that poison! I promise I won’t hurt you. What’s your deal anyway? You got a problem with fellow bus riders?MANNo, your a six foot praying mantis!PRAYING MANTISRelax friend, I’m not going to hurt you, we are a gentle species.MANYou’re are disgusting. Look at you with your beady eyes, that long head and those hands! Dear God, why are you guys always rubbing those things together?PRAYING MANTISFirst of all, I’m a woman. You should be able to tell that from my mammary glands.The mantis points a claw towards her slimy glands, barely noticeable except for a small amount of puss that extrudes from them.MAN(hand over mouth)Good God.PRAYING MANTISSecond of all, we only rub our arms together when we’re sharpening our claws.The man turns to leave.MANThat’s it, I’ve heard enough. I’m out of here.PRAYING MANTISOh come on, I’m just buggin’ with you. We do it when we eat and when we’re deep in thought. And look who’s talking, who carries a can of raid everywhere they go?MANI’ve just got a thing about bugs okay. Specifically the ones tall enough to give me a damn hair cut.PRAYING MANTISJust take a seat. I think I can help you. What if I told you that I could grant you one wish? By the look of you I can see that you may need one.MANYou’re a magical praying mantis?PRAYING MANTISExactly. Sit down, let me prove it to you.MANOkay but don’t get too close.The man sits down on the opposite side of the bench, as far from the giant insect as he can manage.PRAYING MANTISSo, what can I do for you? Are you married?MANI used to be a very successful lawyer until my beloved wife contracted a very rare disease. I spent every dime I had to try and cure her but alas the disease won.PRAYING MANTISThat is terrible. What if I told you that with one simple act I could bring your wife back to you?MANI’d say absolutely! I’d do anything to have her back.PRAYING MANTISPerfect. All you have to do is let me rub your hand between my disfigured claws for ten seconds. Just ten seconds and you’ll have the love of your life back.The man has the most disturbing look on his face.MANNo way! That is so gross! I can’t do it.PRAYING MANTISCome on, what’s ten seconds? Just close your eyes and it will be over before you know it.MANOkay, here goes nothing--The man closes his eyes and starts to stretch out his hand. When the mantis hands which are nasty and sharp are just an inch away from his, the man opens one of his eyes. Suddenly a little claw snaps out of the mantis’ hand. The man freaks out and pulls his hand back.MAN (CONT’D)Oh my god, what was that?PRAYING MANTISWhat? My thumb?MANJesus, you’ve got thumbs? I just can’t do it, it’s just too nasty.PRAYING MANTISNot even for your loving wife?MANIt’s not worth it, she spent too much on groceries anyway. I’ll do without her.PRAYING MANTISOkay, if you say so. Maybe there’s something else I can do for you. What if I could make you a millionaire right now?MANWell of course I’d love that, with that money I could surely find a new wife. But what would I have to do?PRAYING MANTISTrust me, it’ll be the easiest thing you’ve ever done. We just have to wait for my husband to arrive.MANWhy?The mantis see’s her husband off in the distance.PRAYING MANTISOh here he is, John, over here.The man puts his hands over his mouth in disgust as JOHN MANTIS, another six food mantis comes over, grocery bags in hand.JOHN MANTISHey honey, I got the fly wings and spider legs you asked for.PRAYING MANTISThanks hon, I want you to meet my friend here, he’s a little down on his luck. I promised him a million dollars.JOHN MANTISHow nice of you dear, he’s a lucky man.John Mantis turns to his wife and smiles.JOHN MANTIS (CONT’D)Well Mary, for what it’s worth, I’ve enjoyed our time together.PRAYING MANTISMe too dear.With that, the female mantis bites her husbands head clean off his shoulders, ooze squirts. The other mantis’ lanky body stands there headless for a moment then crashes to the ground.The female mantis spits her husbands head onto the sidewalk.MANGood God! I’m gonna lose it!The man falls to his hands and knees and hurls a seemingly never ending stream of puke all over the sidewalk. MAN (CONT’D)That was awful! That was your husband for Christ sake!PRAYING MANTISRelax, he was just one of many. Anyway, let’s get down to business. All you have to do is hold my late husbands bloody detached head in your hands for five seconds and you’ll be an instant millionaire. Hell, I’ll even throw a huge mansion into the mix.MANNo fucking chance, and what is with the time limits? I’ll take my chances on the streets! I’ll never have a nightmare free night for the rest of my life!PRAYING MANTISWell will you at least marry me?MANYou’re out of your mind, please go away!The Mantis holds up her arms.PRAYING MANTISFine, you humans are all the same.With that, the Mantis picks up a large sack.PRAYING MANTIS (CONT’D)I’ll just take my sack of husband heads and be on my way.MANPlease.The Mantis starts to walk away before turning around once more.PRAYING MANTISYou sure you don’t want to split a pizza or something?The man picks up the raid can again intending to use it.PRAYING MANTIS (CONT’D)Okay, okay, fair enough.The Mantis leaves. The man stares after it in disbelief as the bus arrives. The bus door opens and a BUS DRIVER PRAYING MANTIS sits in the drivers seat.BUS DRIVING PRAYING MANTISYou okay sir? You look spooked.The man sighs.MANIt’s nothing.The man gets on the bus as it drives away.
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All material on justinzipprich.com is copyrighted by Justin Zipprich. Not to be used without permission.
All material on justinzipprich.com is copyrighted by Justin Zipprich. Not to be used without permission.
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